Writing in a Single Breadth

Yesterday marked three months since I moved to DC. It also happened to be the first birthday I was celebrating in snowy DC. DC was experiencing its worst snow blizzard in many decades. There was a snow storm warning from morning till 10pm last night. I had woken up with mixed feelings - the idea of staying indoors and watching the snow pile up for another day in a row was not exactly my cup of tea. The city had shut down for the past three days and I was beginning to feel restless.

In some ways the snow storm brought back childhood fears of thunder storms which would make me run to my mom's room and snuggle up to her. This memory helped me handle my irritation at myself - related to this gnawing feeling of anxiety. An anxiety that pervaded my day and made me unproductive.

Before the storm I had planned birthday drinks with a group of friends. But the weather Gods unilaterally cancelled it. However, throughout the day I was inundated with calls, emails, facebook wishes and skype conferences. From London, Singapore, Australia, Santa Fe and New York the wishes flowed in ceaselessly. It was sheer joy to see my friends on skype and to hear the energy in their voice. My birthday became a time to celebrate all my friendships and recollect my global adventures.

The day also presented a beautiful opportunity for reconciliation and reconnection with friends I had drifted away from. Friends who used this day to reach out. It was wonderful to reconnect and refresh a bond that once had meant so much to both of us. And to remind oneself that life is short and differences, petty or otherwise, should be treated with a generous spirit. In the course of speaking with one such friend I had mentioned how I always committed to writing a blog entry quickly - typically under 2 min. Not overthink it. Not overdraft it. I felt that when you redo things the essence of the first instinct is lost. So until and unless I feel ready I don't write a blog. My friend on hearing this said this is the zen way. My method was similar to the calligraphy masters who did their piece of calligraphy in a single breath and single sitting. No matter how big a canvas they were working on.

My neighbor realizing I was "stuck" at home assured me we can still have drinks. Just that it would be at my place. He came over with a bottle of wine, got the fire in the fireplace going and handed me an envelop. His calm gestures were strangely comforting. The envelop contained a jigsaw puzzle of alphabets. The alphabets once arranged coherently will reveal my birthday present he said. How imaginative !!! I struggled to put the words in some order - my mind was all foggy from being cooped up at home. The words after much help from him eventually read The New York Review of Books. He had gotten me a one year subscription to this beautiful literary supplement. I was THRILLED !!! And touched. My birthday turned out exactly how I had hoped for - the warmth of great friendships, love and laughter in the midst of a raging snow storm.

Passing Down Stories

As a little boy my nephew always wanted me to tell him stories before his bedtime. He was very specific. Ghost stories please. And it must be long he said. At first I was lost. I did not know any children's ghost stories. So I asked my mom (his grandma) as to what kind of stories she told him to put him to bed. She said make it up. Make up the stories with a beginning, a middle and an ending and he will be happy with that. Wow. Why didn't I think of that?

Anyways I started tentatively on this storytelling road. I decided early on that since my nephew had never been to India and since he never got to hear his grandfather regale him with stories of his village in India, I would tell those stories. My stories were often set in the little villages of South India. And I would recall all the details from my travel and weave it into the story. Soon my stories were set in Los Angeles, Hong Kong, London and many of the other places that I had visited. The stories ranged from Native American tales and stories of lawyers and corporate titans fighting in haunted offices in Wall Street. I was enjoying this very much.

I realized that my stories not only become a great opportunity for me to transport him into an entirely different world that is linked directly to his ancestors, it also helped me celebrate some of my best travel stories. Children and people are so imaginative. If you tell a story well with good details and mood, their imagination supplies the rest.

Telling good stories with a sound moral theme was actually a wonderful way to keep culture and history alive. It also made me actively recall rich details and the insights I had while traveling in different parts of the world. Telling these stories not only delighted my nephew, it also served and strengthened me. Maybe that is why so much of the ancient cultures were oral traditions. Things were not written down as the ritual of storytelling made communities come together to listen, share and applaud. Oral traditions also meant that memory recall and alertness were key. Elders who were the repository of these stories and old practices kept their minds alert by recalling details for their grandchildren. This kept their brains active and their hearts engaged. As wisdom keepers they knew they had an important role to transmit the knowledge with accuracy and respect.

Today my nephew tells me back some of the stories that I had told him. And he ranks them according to his favorites. Maybe one day he will be doing the same with his children. I realized that what started as somewhat of a chore to get him to sleep has been transformed into a beautiful and creative ritual for both of us.

Prathabi Jois - Path to Internal Cleansing & Self Knowledge

A few days ago Prathabi Jois passed away. I had mixed feelings. I had never known him personally and had no desire to meet him. I had practiced Ashtanga quite a bit in the past few years but it was a secondary discipline for me. Dance was always my primary spiritual and physical discipline. It helped me connect with music, movement, mudras in a far more integrated and graceful way. I found ashtanga way too masculine and competitive. There was an acrobatic quality about it that did not resonate with my aesthetic sensibilities. More importantly Jois who came across as a rigid Brahmin man did not resonate with me. But I respected and agreed with some of his statements which converged with what my own dance gurus have instilled deeply within me - Practice and All is Coming.

Many of his students who gone onto carve out lucrative careers teaching yoga in the West. My time studying with them was very informative - not on yoga but about the human psychology. As my yoga teacher friend said most people don't come to yoga from a happy place. Most come there to feel better about themselves - as refuge from deep unhappiness in their lives. Similarly, many teachers I met had were calling themselves MASTER yoga teachers after spending less than 5 years teaching or learning yoga. The lack of humility was stunning and culturally offensive. In India if you must have at least 50 years and a string of award winning students before you will be called a master. This is a collective recognition from the community - not a label you put on yourself.

I remember going to Mysore to spend sometime with my friend, a disciple of Prahtabi Jois. What struck me most was how separate and unintegrated the white ashtanga practioners were from the local Mysore folks. This really surprised me and bothered me. The ashtanga group also had a cult-like feel to it. With invisible boundaries marking insiders and outsiders. And I found it really strange how all the insiders seem to be non-Indian white folks. Many of these practitioners were serious and dedicated yogis who had truly helped promote Jois and his system of yoga. For that I think India and Indians must be eternally grateful. It is through use and distribution of wisdom and knowledge that we keep traditions and systems alive. Ashtanga due to Jois' charisma and dedication has became an important cultural and spiritual phenomena and has inspired renewed interest in India and all things Indian.

Sharath, Jois grandson, is poised to take over from Jois. Even from a distance I resonate more with Sharath and his challenges. Unlike Jois he was born in a different era with significant exposure to the West. It is a heavy responsibility for someone in his mid 30s to helm a rigorous and sacred discipline like Ashtanga. But he has been trained by the master himself and has lived the traditional life while touring and promoting Ashtanga in the West. He is a product of my generation. To me he exudes a more open, humble and radiant energy that I can relate to. I understand the tension that arises from keeping a tradition "pure" while evolving it to meet current demands and world challenges. I am curious to see how he shapes the next generation of ashtanga yoga practitioners and builds on Jois' foundation. The world today is a fundamentally different place from the one Jois inhabited at the height of his fame. Today the world is far more integrated and far more troubled - both economically and environmentally. How the yoga community responds to these challenges while staying rooted in an ancient tradition is a true challenge for a new leader. One could retreat into "tradition" and shut out worldly troubles or one could use the tradition to navigate and transcend the chaos. It remains to be seen.

40th Wedding Anniversary

Today my parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. In a world littered with broken promises and half-hearted commitments, this is a major achievement. Especially because it was not a mere passage of years. But a true celebration of a deep and abiding love. And the ability to rise about petty grievances and forgive slights. The tenderness and love they still demonstrate towards each other after 40 years together has been a major source of inspiration to me.

Early morning we went to the temple where my parents got married 40 years ago. My mom's favorite deity is Perumal - in fact she always talks about how after she visited Him in Tirupati all things in her life fell into place - her career and her marriage. In the temple I gave my mom a gift and a beautiful card which so aptly expressed my feelings. In Indian culture we have a very important saying - Matha, Pitha, Guru, Deivam - which translates into Mother, Father, Guru and God. This elegant phrase captures the holy trinity of sacred love encompassing one's parents, one's teachers and one's God. Parents have an exalted and near-divine status within a person's universe. They are a child's first guardians, teachers and embodiment of divine love.

The card read:

Mom & Dad,

Children seldom understand
the trials their parents face
the dreams deferred, or sacrifices made
until one day when they are grown
with grown up choices, too
and realize the debt they can't repay

Only you two know
all that's gone into your marriage
or how many challenges you've faced
But I know how much I love you
for all that you've done to stay together.

t couldn't hvae been easy
to keep your patience
your sense of humor,
but you have always pulled through.

And in the process you have taught me a lot about
the power of commitment,
the importance of family
and how to get by
in a less-than-perfect world,

I'm very proud of you for that
Happy Anniversary

Image and Context - Tuesdays with Lady V

Recently I did a scrap book of photos for my friend and spiritual guide. Lady V took me under her wings at a very difficult and uncertain period in my life. She took me to the Durga temple every Tue morning. Without her company and her consistent attention to me this ritual would have fallen away. By sustaining it without fail every Tue morning, I began to see again the power of consistent attention and discipline. And how that transforms our mundane existence and anxieties if we allow it to. Alot of time I realize we are caught up in our heads and lose touch with intuition. We are not present to the moment and the lessons within. A temple is an ideal place to switch off the mind and turn on the heart and higher self. By watching Lady V closely every Tue morning she SHOWED me love and other life's lessons. Her sincere devotion to both the Lord and to my well being was deeply moving. She NEVER spoke about lessons or things I needed to learn. Never preached even though she had every right to do so - having lived a highly successful life as an eminent lawyer. In fact alot of the time we were silently praying next to each other. She showed up with enthusiasm and commitment every Tue morning at the temple at 7am before she took off to work. What better gift can you ask of a friend? A friend who teaches you life lessons in a gentle and kind way. A friend who does not condemn or try to intrude or tell you how you can do things better. A friend who trusts that you have the power of discernment and intelligence within you to see and learn the very best lessons in a given situation. A friend who demonstrates faith in you. This is a powerful gift.

The scrap book I did for her was full of beautiful images and a few words. The images were ones I took when I was with her at Indian festivals, Hindu processions or prayer. Collected over a period of two years it all added up in quite significant way. In fact she was overwhelmed when she saw the scrap book. The words I wrote to accompany the photos were a distillation of the lessons in personal leadership that she had bestowed on me. Through her actions, not words. The images themselves were beautiful and powerful because of the context. Of what was happening in my life and our regular Tue morning trips to the temple. When the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Wabi Sabi in Durga Temple with Lady D

My former law firm boss, Lady D is a woman who has been a great source of inspiration to me. She was in Singapore a few days ago. She is now based in London. A creative and inspired soul our friendship and professional connection was always a very special one. She laid a strong technical foundation and showed me what it means to be a sound corporate finance and M&A lawyer. I was fortunate to have met her at a critical time in my professional life - when I had just switched from litigation to corporate lawyering.

Lady D was exacting,diligent and an intelligent attorney. Armed with a law degree from Stanford she tolerated no fools. And she inspired some of my best legal work. More importantly she had class and finesse. She dressed and conducted herself with utmost poise and elegance. In their bid to outwit and outsmart the opposing side I have witnessed many lawyers degenerate into crass and cunning human beings. She showed me that law could either bring out your best qualities or your worst. Planting this awareness within me at that time informed, moulded and guided me in a profound way. This lesson and awareness shaped my approach not just to law but to life. To treat our fellow human beings with grace and elegance while we strive to fulfill our personal goals.

But given the intense time pressures that Lady D and I often confronted in the midst of doing multi-million dollar deals our lives and our friendships were compressed. Our friendship hovered at the intellectual level and never had the time to deepen into a more spiritual one. After working with her a few years we parted and went our different ways. We continued to meet occasionally in Singapore and London when out travel schedules permitted.

Recently I took her to the Durga temple in Little India. I was not sure if that would be her kind of thing. She was a sassy Californian. I knew not what faith she practiced. But she was well traveled and widely read. I felt that she would relish being shown an intimate and holy site in Singapore, better known for its shopping malls and urban sprawl. I had taken many many foreign artists, scholars and visitors to this beautiful Kali temple and many of my visitors were deeply moved. I sensed a profound shift in their energies once they step over into the temple. Like a gentle hand had passed over their soul and given them a reprieve from their daily grind. Its a magical experience when you tap into a quiet still place within you. And a temple with its incense, music, chanting and food is an ideal place to transport you into this quiet space within. With Lady D it was no different. She had arrived a little earlier and had spent some time admiring the saris of the temple going ladies. When I arrived we walked silently into the temple and offered our prayers.

Then we sat on the quiet floor and red a beautiful book on Wabi Sabi - the ancient Japanese value system of impermanence and imperfection. The beauty of aging and the transient beauty in nature. When we left the temple Lady D made a very profound observation - how the West values the intellect above the intuition and spiritual. And as a result how many of us become enslaved by logic. In contrast the older civilizations like India respected and celebrate the whole self - the mind-body and spirit. And how that was so very evident in our temple visit today. That was music to my ears. I had managed to transmit the essence of what I saw and felt in the temple to her. So many times I see temple guides cheapening the temple visit by focusing on the non-essentials. And flooding the new comer/tourists with cultural trivia and souvenirs. I wanted to share a spiritual experience. I wanted to share something elevated and poignant that I always felt in holy spaces like temples. And to share this I stripped away alot of the temple trivia. Words got in the way. Silence allowed my guests absorb the feeling and vibrations in the place. My role is to facilitate connections, not dictate rules or my spiritual preferences.

Celebrating George Hedges

Today morning I woke up and wore all black. Black is something you never wear to the temple. Its inauspicious. Tight t-shirts are also not something you wore to the Indian temples. But I was celebrating my mentor and great friend George Hedges. I was celebrating Kali - the goddess of death and destruction. I was celebrating my deep ties to Los Angeles where some of my best memories reside. I was celebrating the cool and beautiful black. In all its power. So like a blank panther I slipped out of my house this morning dressed in a too-tight black T-shirt and tight black jeans. I looked like I was going clubbing. Yes, I was going to celebrate George Hedges and all that he had achieved up to the age of 57.

George died on full moon night - a few days ago. A night where celestial beings are out and about. For Indians it was pournami - an auspicious night. In Singapore 10 March 2009 was a beautiful moonlit night. George died after bravely battling melanoma for 7 months. During that 7 months I spoke to him a couple of times on the phone. He always always ended the call by thanking me. Thanking me for calling him. I was brave. It was difficult sometimes for me to talk with a smile in my voice when tears were streaming down my cheeks. But obviously George was braver. Yeah, he was bigger, faster, smarter and more insightful than any man I had come across. The LA Times paid a tribute to him calling him a celebrity lawyer and the man who discovered the lost city of Uber. He was truly a Renaissance Man.

To me he was my friend, mentor and former law firm boss. Someone who had taken a real interest in me. Someone who had taken me out for quick lunch to counsel me while he was in the middle of a high profile trial - defending LA's top agent, Ed Limato. I remember he sharing his research briefly with me - how he had managed to hunt down an obscure piece of California legislation that had a 7 year time cap on contracts with unique talents. This he explained with great enthusiasm might be all that he needed to win his case. He talked about the joy of defending artists and talents in a ruthless entertainment industry. It was wonderful to see his passion and love for the law. In his hands law was a benign tool for good.

Today when I went to the temple Durga looked super special. Like she knew I was coming to pay my tribute to George. Decked from head to toe in fresh jasmine flowers I had never seen her so resplendent. My jaw dropped. I had always been inspired by her beauty and strength. Today in her white floral attire she was quiet peace and divine beauty. Like a bride in white. Durga's priest as usual was very happy to see me. He welcomed me warmly. I did not tell him about George. I just silently lit two lamps for George and placed one lamp before Durga and one lamp before Kali. When I finished praying I told the priest how beautiful the Goddess Durga looked today. The priest looked at me matter-of-fact and said "Just like you." I was taken aback by such a personal comment. But I had just prayed that George's beauty and light continue to live in my heart and shine in my deeds. Durga & Kali seemed to have heard my prayers. Loud and clear.

A Visceral Connection & Authentic Quests

How does one live an authentic life and connect to their authentic truth? This question has plagued and inspired me all my life. In hindsight I suspect that my career moves, love choices and artistic pursuits have been attempts to answer this grand question. I am always looking for people and opportunities that resonate. This resonance will help me reveal another layer of my authenticity. And own my authentic voice. I recognize that here the question is more important than the answer. The answer to this question is likely to evolve as I enter different phases and cycles in my life. But the key for me is to stay alert and tuned into visceral connections. The older I grow the more I recognize the power of visceral/instant connections. People and places that I seem to recognize and connect with immediately. Not just intellectually. But at a visceral and almost primitive level. This connection to me feels authentic and if followed usually leads to much joy and meaning.

In contrast whenever I tried to intellectualize my choices and choose "safe" people and options and become overly goal oriented I tended to pave the way for anxiety, misery and deep unhappiness. Whereas whenever I followed my deeper voice and went towards things that made my curious, inspired or alive I became connected to a deeper authentic place within me. And by carving out space in my life and regularly dedicating myself to things that inspired/moved me I feel I am slowly inching towards a more authentic and soulful place. Yes, the journey may take longer and a more convoluted path but the results I feel will be more enduring. So I am learning to trust my gut instincts more and to loosen the grip of the mind from everyday choices.

Practice and All is Coming

Rote learning - learning via memorization and without asking questions - just following and learning the technique of something is a method followed extensively by old classical arts gurus. In fact that is how I learnt classical indian dance as a little girl. Learning by observing and by following the teacher's instructions without any ego interference. I hated it. But guess what it taught me? It taught me patience (to be patient for results), it taught me trust (to trust the process of learning) and it taught me concentration (focussing your 100% on the movements and steps). Through this method I was able to overcome the distractions and tricks of the ego. A dance class or any form of classroom is a wonderful place for taming your ego. The ego as opposed to focussing its attention on the teaching, starts questioning the value of the teacher and the teaching. The ego starts to put on its typical ego tricks like posing questions like "Are you sure?" and "That may be your experience but in my experience...." In other words the ego plants many seeds of distrust. Sometimes this may be a good thing - it serves to protect us from fake gurus and false teachings. But when you have chosen your subject and teacher well these ego tricks become deeply counterproductive. They leave you focussed on the wrong questions while compromising your presence and focus at the class that is unfolding in front of you. The ego either looks to the past or the future - but doesn't allow us to stay in the present and benefit from the teachings that are unfolding before our very eyes.

Consistent practice of anything can lead to invaluable transformation and power. My Tue morning temple visits to Durga (see below) also affirms this in a more recent and immediate way.

Repetition as a Route to Excellence

My diary tells me that I have been lighting lamps for Durga since March 2008 every Tue. It has been 8 months since I started this Tue morning rituals and my how profoundly has this ritual changed me. On the superficial level the act of lighting lamps has become incredibly effortless. When I first started in March I was super irritated with the ghee melting while I lit the tray. The heat generated from a tray full of lighted lamps and the awkwardness in lighting the lamps from a single big Annapachi Lamp and carefully navigating the throng of devotees while ensuring that I don't set fire to my clothes, to myself or to my fellow worshippers. It took me extreme concentration and careful navigation to finish 9 rounds around durga while focussing on my prayer and spiritual goals. Today the situation has remarkably changed. The entire process is seamless and effortless. And I did not even aim for this state of affairs. My goal was not to be the most elegant lamp carrier in the temple. No I had more modest goals - that I can wake up early every morning and get to the temple on time before rushing off to work. But through a consistent practice I reaped so many other rewards including a great friendship with the priests as well as the friend who accompanied me to the temple every morning. Without their support my motivation would have tanked tremendously and I am not sure if I would have continued this ritual. The consistent Tue morning visits to the temple have now become the spiritual highlight of my week. They have also taught me in a very subtle and powerful ways the power of repetition. And repetition as the route to excellence. Just like dance the body, mind and spirit come together harmoniously without any concerted effort to pay homage to a higher power. And to remind you of the power of faith, practice and consistency inevitably leads you to elegant results way beyond your expectations.

Planting the Dance Princess Seed

We all need someone who will fire our imagination and inspire our desire to be great dancers. As kids we need to see strong role models and concrete examples of dancers who inspire us with their beauty, technical mastery and spiritual values. As a little girl I knew that person for me was Suba - my mom's colleague's daughter. I had gone to her full solo recital or Arangetram when I was about 8 years old. By this time I had been learning Dasi Dance for about 4 years. And it was a boring and painfully uninspiring experience. Why? I had teachers who were crap. Simple. But my parents had no choice - there were no other teachers in the market. So we figured a crap teacher is better than no teacher. Just learn the vocabulary and keep searching for a outlet to express my artistry and divinity. So when I went to see Suba at her first solo show I was blown away. She transformed on stage from being an ordinary Indian gal and my "akka" (big sister) to someone who was a dance princess. I was sold. I remember going backstage to see her after the show. It was glamorous. The smell of the backstage, the sound, lights and the dressing room - wow with its huge mirrors and light bulbs around the mirror - the costumes and make up lying around. It was a major sensory experience. I felt like I was on a set of a movie star with an exclusive backstage pass. So, when my fans and especially kids come backstage to take pictures with me and ask for my autograph I always oblige. I know how critical a smile and a pat on the back can be to a little child in getting to commit to her artistic journey. No matter how tired I am after the show I try and make sure I do this for the kids.

From L-R: My mom, me (in orange), Suba (in costume) and Viji (my dance classmate and her sister).

Snake & Peacock Dance - Carnival on Beach

Found another old photo which brought back a flood of beautiful memories. Also reminded me of what a versatile performance repertoire I had accumulated in the early years of my dance life. This photo was taken during my teens - not sure when. I am the upside down gal - pretending to be a super-flexible snake. It was a story about a battle between the beautiful peacock and the super agile snake. The dance ends with the snake being killed by the three peacocks. Well, clearly I was outnumbered there !!

But it was also a wonderful piece for me to do as my teacher had recognized my flexibility and she had created some very demanding choreography for me to do. One in particular I remember had required me to spin on my knees in a circle. This challenged me in terms of extending my movement vocabulary. It also ensured that I did not get too hung up with the classical training. Many classical dancers who are not exposed to other dance forms subsequently find it very difficult to pick up other styles.

The costume I also felt was super hip. Just a blue track suit with some Indian accessories to connect it back to the indian art form. But rather realistic in terms of the peacock feathers and the form fitting catsuit. I remember painting the scales on the blue track suit before the show. Fun, fun, fun.

Temple Performanes at 15

24 Sept 1987, Navarathiri Festival, Vairaviamman Temple, Singapore. I just discovered this photo in my mom's home a few weeks ago. Thank God I had written the dates and event behind the photo. Helps jog my memory. This show was a special one. Firstly because I was dancing for the Goddess Durga as part of the Navarathiri Festival. 2nd because I was still relatively young to be doing complex solo dance pieces. I was doing the Thilana at 15years old at this temple.

This costume was my first dance costume and it was the first time I had done a solo classical item in a temple. Most of the times as younger dancers we do folk items or classical items in group/chorus. But by the time I was 15 I had already been performing for 11 years. The whole get up - the head-dresss plus false hair and all the jewelry takes about 2hours to put on. One of our greatest fears as a young dancer is that something is going to drop off during the dance. That has happened to various dancers given the dance is incredibly vigorous and the costuming is incredibly elaborate. But I remember it was a magical night - I felt like I had conquered something. Indeed the goddess was dancing through me that night when I danced at her temple. But I also felt that I overcame much internal fear/doubt etc and surrendered myself wholly to the dance.

My Creative Elders

My mom used to be the wardrobe mistress for my cousin Sarojini Devi. My mom and Devi had a very close bond fostered by their love for dance and music and of course fashion. This photo taken on 13 August 1967 displays their style sensibilities. They wear coordinated hip chains, pearl necklaces and very similar saris with hand embroidery. This is one of my mom's favorite pictures too. When I was a little four year old my mom often spoke of her experience helping and coaching Devi and standing at the wings to help with costumes changes etc. My mom knew all the various types of dances Devi did -ranging from classical to folk and the different costumes that went with it. She described a beautiful and glamorous world to me and encouraged me to become a great artist. Devi who I am still very close to helped me throughout my 30 year dance career. She was and continues to be a source of great knowledge and spiritual insights and is able to always answer some of the more nuanced questions I have. Thank you ladies for such wonderful inspiration and guidance. I hope to pass it along to the next generation and I have already started doing that by teaching Indian dance to my 5 year old and 3 year old nephews.